Jun 2009

....all swirling through my head, but the answers seem to be elusive; asking question upon themselves, turning into a riddle of never ending pursuit.
Perhaps the answers to the questions aren't the answers after all.

Since the start of May when the latest adventure begun, the questions had started; a trickle at first and now a raging torrent of mercy unknowns. What has caused this floodgate to open at this very time? Yet another question that gets snagged in the whirlpool of my thoughts.
I could easily take the easy option and connect it with another event that also occurred at the start of May, but I don't think that would solve it; for these questions are far too big to pin on one event, surely? Perhaps the trigger; the seed was planted and now it grows, growing into a tree of uncertainty with a fragrance of excitement.

I think a new mind is sprouting from the soil, once which like its natural counterpart is vulnerable in the beginning but grows into something strong and sturdy. I think the days of disappearing into the unknown for month on end by ones self are drawing to a close. The sanctification and excitement has faded, faded to a point of unexcitment if ever a word existed. Perhaps I have reached the goal that was never clearly set when I first embarked.
Trekking about searching, discovering, celebrating but not sharing has certainly lost its charm. The months, days, hours and minutes of talking and sharing with who? only passers by in a time line moving ever so quickly. Acquaintances of substance; yes. Acquaintances of knowledge; no. Knowledge of who I am and what I believe in, perhaps no one really knows, but there lies yet another question.

The mind is turning into a self destructive entity, evolution? or just a mental appraisal. Questions long since answered brought to the table for evaluation. What am I doing? Where am I going?, Why am I here, where I am? and the more superficial ones of Should I go study? Return home?, Get a real job and start making a like for the future?.
Well spending the majority of the 24 hours in a day with nobody but myself is starting to get a bit tiresome. It's not normally a problem and is actually quite normal for everyone, but when you have so much to share and no one to share it with in that very moment, well it just loses it magic.
So in the theme of self-appraisal, the following cuts have being made. All current travel plans are to be binned, including this very one I have embarked on.
The Balkans & South Eastern Europe - Binned
Vietnam, Laos, Cambodia & Thailand - Binned, Binned & Binned
Eastern Island & Chile - Binned
A knee-jerk reactions? possibly. But I see no pint doing these things when there are definite signs that change needs to happen, and what are travel plans; exactly that - plans.

What happens next? Well I'm not so sure, and that's what I want. The last few months have been well not stressful but I guess anxious in a way. The laid back Jason that I know must have got left behind somewhere because I certainly don't feel easy going at the moment. Rushing around from one place to the next, smoking like a chimney, drinking like fish; all warning signs that I guess I'm the only one that's going to see. So something needs to happen...and happen it shall!

The fact that I'm in love with a fairytale is certainly not helping matters and for what I reason is the stem of the questions. The seed was dropped and has grown uncontrollably. The fact that one person, one person can UNKNOWINGLY change ones outlook, goals and there ideals has come as a huge shock to me, but in turn set a powerful message, one I can't ignore or try to bury. What will be the fate of this seed? Time will tell, what ever way is goes the positives will definitely be enriching.
When I think it's all solved in my head, I have merely pushed it to one side before it slams back to center stage demanding attention.
So this is numero uno priority, I need to sort this out before it cripples my mind even more so. One way or the other the answers to the questions needs to be told weather I like the answers or not.

So as predicted earlier in the year, this is a year of change; one that is in full swing and all a bit overwhelming but a year that I will look back on and hopefully be proud.

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Seeing as I seem to have an internet access where ever I go, this one of the first in hopefully a continued list of blogs that I will publish that isn't related to the actual travel but the issues surrounding it and that of being a perpetual traveler.

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